"Chakras and TMI"

When Seth knocked on our front door, Jack and mom burst through their bedroom doors and greeted him with all the bubbly welcome for a man home from war. Now all three of them are giggling like little school girls and the sound is painful. I open the door and for once am grateful that it squeaks because they turn to look at me and are finally quiet.



“Hey Amelia,” Seth says and Jack smiles like he’s had too much sugar.


“Hey,” I say in a voice that belies my racing heart.


“So what chakra does Amelia need to focus on?” Seth asks. Not five minutes together and already mom was sharing her spiritual crap.


Mom looks at me across the table. Her eyes tell me that I no longer matter, and this suits me just fine. “She needs to focus on the color green. This is the heart chakra and when this area is healthy there is compassion for others and a feeling of inner peace.”


“Awesome!” Seth says.


“If you let me borrow your CD your fourth chakra will get better,” Jack says and rubs his chin against my arm like a cat.


“Huh?” I ask.


“Seth brought you a mixed CD. I think a thank you is in order,” mom says and plays with a popcorn kernel.


“Thanks,” I say and wonder if my kooky hair is behaving.


“Jack, come help me finish the hook rug,” Sam says and there are the sounds of their tiny feet on the vinyl floor and the door closing.


“Hey,” I say and shift back and forth on my fake Doc Martins.


“Hey.”


“Sorry about my mother,” I say to the vinyl floor. If I look at those soft eyes I’ll be tempted to know more and desperation will be oozing out of me in no time.


“No, she’s cool. Have you not met my dad?”


“Touché,” I smile and decide to look at him anyway. He is playing with the doorknob like he did at his bedroom earlier, tapping his left foot against the cheap vinyl floor like there are ants underneath his jeans. I don’t understand how someone so handsome could feel anything but confidence.


I walk over to the kitchen table and pick up the CD. “Thanks.”


He tells me that he’s a senior this year and offers me a ride anytime. The front door is still ajar and little mosquitoes fly into the kitchen but I don’t care. I am too ecstatic at the prospect of getting a ride to school from anyone but my mother. Next door there’s Mrs. Anderson screaming at us to be quiet which is really stupid because her shrill voice is bound to wake her devil child up more than us any day.


I walk over to the door and close it, painfully aware that I am a few heads taller than Seth. He is asking me why he never saw me around Sayview High School last year. It never occurs to people that a girl can be almost six feet tall and in the eighth grade.


“I’m a freshman.”


“Aw, that’s so cute—a little freshman!”


“Yeah, I’m little—like an elephant,” I say and force a laugh into the sudden awkward silence.


“Don’t put yourself down like that. That’s not cool. You’re great,” he says and gazes at me until my cheeks are a flush pink.


“Yeah, like a prized steed.” I roll my eyes. The truth is that I want to stop insulting myself but my nerves are making me my own personal punching bag. The truth is that it’s always better to make fun of yourself before others get the chance.


A weak smile plays on his lips and I point to him. “Hah—see you agree!”


“No, I’m laughing because you’re ridiculous.” He nods his head toward the kitchen chairs and we sit.


“I don’t know. I just don’t feel like I belong in this giant body. That sounds crazy, right?” I look up at Seth through my closed hands, afraid to see his reaction. I am opening my heart. I’m in vulnerable territory. Anything can happen.


Seth sighs and leans back in his chair. He opens his mouth to say something, but stops himself. “You’re not crazy. Trust me.”


“What do you mean?” I lean closer to him. There’s definitely something Seth wants to say. If I were a dog my ears would be erect.


Seth looks down at the table between us, his dark eyes searching for an answer in the worn surface. “I-I don’t feel like I belong in my body either sometimes.”


“But you’re gorgeous—I mean—”


Seth stands up and nods toward the front door. “It’s getting late, Amelia. I better get going.”


I begin to stammer out a goodbye, but he is already bounding down the wooden stairs, the sound of his sneakers crunching along the gravel into the night.


So not only did I come across as a self-loathing loser who highlighted her hefty size for Seth, I also managed to scare him away with a totally over-the-top, desperate-sounding compliment.


No wonder I don’t have friends. I’m much too busy scaring them away.